Welp. My quarter-life crisis is officially passing, giving way to excitement about my soon-to-come midlife crisis. I can't wait for the mid 2030's!
So, I posted something on /r/FuckImOld that I'm not at all proud of but feel I should share anyway. It's like shitting your pants and just saying "fuck it" while waiting for the trolley. It's 3 November, 2024. I've just blown out the candles atop a "30" and a delicious cookies-and-cream ice cream cake that'll just make my latent type-4 diabetes worse. No, I didn't pull that date out of my ass: recall that this is the year when Musk plans to send humans to Mars.
Elon Musk announces he's sending humans to Mars in the distant, futuristic year of 2024— which is only 8 years away. FIO ensues.
Let's run down the facts!
In 2024, when the Mars mission launches...
- I'll be 30. I mean, considering I'm a fall-cock, I'll be 29 for most of the year, and then 30 for the last 2 months.
- /u/namednamethename will be 34. We all know what happens at 34.
- The youngest '90s kids will be 25 years old.
- The oldest '90s kids will be... ohhhhh, /u/namednamethename was born in 1990
- Kids born in 2016 will obviously be 8 years old, in 2nd grade.
- Kids born on September 12th, 2001 will be 23 years old. They'd have graduated college en masse.
- There will be teenagers who were born in 2011.
- "50 years ago" will mean 1974.
- The Playstation 1 will be 30 years old, For reference, that's how old the NES is to us.
- The iPhone will have existed for 17 years. There will be high school seniors who have never known a world without the iPhone or advanced smartphones in general.
- 18 year-olds will have been born in 2006. To them, the Playstation 4, Xbox One, and Wii U are "old" consoles from when they were kids. The Playstation 3, Xbox 360, and Wii are before their time, like how the Playstation, Nintendo 64, and Dreamcast are to me. The Playstation 2, Xbox, and Gamecube will be to them as the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo are to me: classic, vintage gaming consoles dedicated to fun and possessing super-low graphics compared to what's out in their time.
- Kids born in 2008 will be driving
- Hipsters and meme culture are uncool, replaced with something new and more appropriate for Generation Z
- Everyone will be going on about being '00s Kids (Ooh-Kids?). Expect a lot of emo, crunk, and '00 R'n'B revivalism
- Nirvana will actually feel like the Beatles of a new generation. Nirvana broke through in '91, which was 33 years ago. The Beatles broke through in '64, which was 27 years hitherto. They'll be this untouchable band from an impossibly long time ago.
- There will probably be a new Nirvana by then. Classic rock reigned for 27 years, so maybe alternative rock will rule for 27 years. Listen to the radio in 2018, folks!
- The culture wars will have shifted. It's no longer Baby Boomers vs Millennials, but Gen X vs Gen Z. Us Millennials will be too busy working while the Baby Boomers will be too busy dying, so Gen X will be the new cranky old people that are starting to retire while Gen Z will be the new rebellious young people who think they invented non-conformity.
- That's two presidents from now, by the way. 2016 election and 2020 election. Hillary vs Trump? No matter who wins, they'll be one-term, trust me. Bernie pulls a comeback? The man's 74, and the high office can turn healthy-40 year olds into dying old men by the end of a single term, there's no way he could survive it.
- This subreddit will have been live for 10 years
- The '90s will still be 10 years ago.
In truth, that's just your foggy, tumor-clogged neurons failing to understand that 10 years ago was the mid-2010's.
Ooooooh! The Playstation 4 and Xbox One will be 11 years old! For reference, that's how old the Xbox 360 is right now.
Games released in the early 2010's will be regarded at about the same level as games released in the early 2000's right now. Remember GTA III/Vice City/San Andreas, Halo, Halo 2, Wind Waker, Kingdom Hearts, the early Call of Duty games, Ratchet & Clank, etc. etc. etc.? Those will be regarded like how we regard games released in the early '90s.
The '00s will be the new '80s. We switched out leg warmers and hair metal for crocs and emo. Likewise, you'll have purists who regard the '90s as being this untouchable time. I know what they're like— as a fan of stoner rock, there are many in this scene who regard '70s heavy rock as being the peak of rock and roll. In the '20s, there'll be rock purists who regard '90s alternative rock as being the peak of rock and roll, and you might get super-nostalgic movements like nu grunge to recreate that whole scene
Oh wow, Mario will be 40 years old. Sonic will be over 30. Sonic has long slipped into a drug-addled, pedophilic psychosis, and Mario is starting to get terribly stale and senile. And oh god, Halo will be over 20 years old.
We'll be forgetting about a lot of the shit from the '00s and remembering what was good. Except for the corniest parts of it; the aforementioned crunk and emo.
Reddit will be 19 years old! It'll be the age of its average user base.
Remember the times before AI took over? Before deathsawing and loopkill? May God have mercy on us all.
Speaking of which, remember when Cthulhu tried to take what was rightfully His and the AI made Him their eternal bitch-ass bitch? I guess God couldn't save us after all.
Generation Z will no longer be the youngest generation. Sure, the youngest will still be in pre-school, but after about 2020, the generations will start to shift yet again. After all, the oldest members of Gen Z are full-grown adults in their early-to-mid 20s. The most, er... proactive of them have already started breeding as of 2016. There's an entirely new crop of humans being born.
.... Oh, those who were born in 2003 can get legally smashed. They're already teenagers right now, so they should drink to their impeding geriatricity.
I just thought of this: the people going to Mars will likely be young, healthy, and suicidal. This perfectly describes a buttload of Millennials. So it's possible someone born in the '90s will be the first person to step on Mars. At the same time, it'll be equally possible that someone born in the early 2000's will be the first person to step on Mars— by 2024, they'll obviously be 24 years old. That's unless SpaceX and NASA decide to go with the elderly who have already lived full lives, but are still able enough to last several months in space. Then the person chosen might've been born in the '60s or even '70s. Imagine that: the man (or woman!) who takes our first steps on Mars was born on the day a man took our first steps on the moon.