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[Yuli Ban]

Here, we post the strangest, funniest, and most nonsensical news stories we can find!

• Weird news
• Florida news
• WTF news
• Quirky news
• "Darwin Awards" tier nonsense
• Meltdowns
• Professional bloopers
• Theoretical monstrosities
• Stupendous idiocy
• Proof we live in a Simulation

And yes, most will be from Florida.

 

"Fuck that alligator" were the last words of a man who ignored a warning sign and pleas from locals not to go swimming in alligator-infested waters.

He was killed by the alligator.

As several readers have pointed out, we jinxed it.
On July 2 at 12:51 p.m. we posted an article about how Texas hasn’t suffered a fatal alligator attack since the last days of Mexican dominion in the wet, eventful April of 1836.
But fourteen hours later, tragically, horrifically, the 179-year streak came to an end.
More details emerged over the weekend. The last words of the victim, Tommie Woodward, a shipyard worker transplanted from Pacific, Missouri, are for the ages, a situation-specific variation of the punchline “Hold my beer and watch this”:
 

Employees at the marina had erected the sign in recent days after spotting a “pretty damn big” 11-foot alligator in the area, Orange County Police Captain Robert Enmon told BuzzFeed News.
A woman with Woodward warned him not to enter the water because of the risk, prompting him to reply “F*** that alligator,” Enmon said.
Just before he jumped in, the woman spotted the gator, Enmon said. Woodward was attacked almost immediately.

 

[Yuli Ban]

We don’t need to drink less soda, according to research funded by Coca-Cola

Leave it to the world's largest seller of sugary drinks to tell people how to lose weight.
Amid a national obesity epidemic, Coca-Cola has been quietly supporting a new nonprofit organization called the Global Energy Balance Network (GEBN) whose primary goal is to spread the message that we might be a little too worried about what we eat and drink. The group, which was the subject ofa New York Times piece published on Sunday, is led by a network of reputable scientists who have helped communicate that more exercise—not less food—is the key to a healthier lifestyle.

[Yuli Ban]

POLL: 31% of Trump supporters actually support building an Atlantic Ocean wall to keep Muslims out

Donald Trump's supporters really like walls.
A new Public Policy Polling survey found that 31% of the Republican nominee’s supporters would be in favor of building a wall on the Atlantic Ocean to prevent Muslims from entering the US.
17% of Trump supporters were unsure about such a proposal, and 52% opposed it.
Among Hillary Clinton voters, support for an Atlantic Ocean wall was only 8%.
The construction of a US-Mexico border wall has been a core tenet of the Trump campaign since its inception last summer.

[Yuli Ban]

Military veteran frustrated he has to annually fill out form to say his legs are still missing

"It’s been 10 years and they still haven’t figured out I’m an amputee."

Retired Master Cpl. Paul Franklin lost both of his legs from just above knee when a bomb hit the vehicle he was driving during a Canadian Forces tour in Afghanistan in January 2006.
Ten years later, he is getting ready to fill out yet another set of forms to tell the Canadian government that, in fact, his legs are still missing.
“It’s insane,” Franklin said. “My problem with all this is if you have someone who has post-traumatic stress disorder or some sort of brain injury, or you have a combination of the two and they’re on street drugs or alcohol or whatever, the chance of them filling out the forms correctly is minimal at best.”

[Yuli Ban]

Florida Man, Vladimir Putin, Arrested for Screaming at Grocery Store Employees

Vladimir Putin is facing trespassing charges.
Not Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia. But Vladimir Putin of West Palm Beach, according to the police report.
 
Police responded to a Publix supermarket at CityPlace in West Palm Beach following a report of a man screaming at employees.
Managers tried to get Putin to leave but he refused.

[Yuli Ban]

Florida Woman Shot By Oven While Attempting To Bake Waffles

An 18-year-old Florida woman was only slightly injured this week when she was shot by her friend's oven, police said. Aalaya Walker was visiting a friend in St. Petersburg Monday when they decided they wanted some late-night waffles, The Tampa Bay Times reported. So Walker began preheating the oven — unaware that her friend, JJ Sandy, 25, was storing a magazine from his .45-caliber Glock 21 in the oven.

[Jakob]

This qualifies.

Russian scientists are ‘besieged’ by polar bears at a remote Arctic post

 

A team of Russian weather experts claim that their station on an ice-covered Arctic isle is "besieged" by polar bears, according to a report by Russian news agency TASS.

The five researchers charged with staffing the outpost on Troynoy Island say that there are about 10 adult polar bears as well as cubs circling their base. A female polar bear spends nights perched outside the station's windows, making it dangerous for the scientists to exit. They have reportedly run out of flares and have lost at least one of their dogs to the arctic beasts.

[Jakob]

Can you do an Elon Musk impression? An oil exec tried, and Musk is now suing him

 

Everyone would love to be Elon Musk, but seldom should anyone try and impersonate him. An oil executive at Quest Integrity Group allegedly pretended to be the multi-faceted entrepreneur, and is now facing a lawsuit.

According to Bloomberg, Todd A. Katz, the CFO for Quest Integrity Group, allegedly used a fraudulent email to acquire inside information on Tesla. The email in question, which was sent to Tesla CFO Jason Wheeler, was from “ElonTesla@yahoo.com,” which likely raised a few eyebrows. Common sense would dictate that Musk, at the very least, would email from an @Tesla email address.

[Yuli Ban]

One day, and one day soon, this won't be "weird news"
 

Notorious runaway robot that has escaped research lab twice has been arrested by police at political rally

A notorious runaway robot – that has escaped from its lab twice – has been arrested by police at a political rally.
Promobot was supporting Russian Parliament candidate Valery Kalachev in Moscow when authorities attempted to handcuff it and take it away.
It is believed that the arrest occurred after a member of public called police as Promobots were recording the opinions of voters on a variety of topics “for further processing and analysis by the candidate’s team.”
A company spokesman told Inverse magazine: “Police asked to remove the robot away from the crowded area, and even tried to handcuff him.
“According to eyewitnesses, the robot did not put up any resistance.”
The robot has hit the headlines in the past, when it escaped from its lab and walked out into oncoming traffic – twice.
It caused chaos on the streets after getting halfway across the road before its batteries ran out, leaving it stranded in the middle of the carriageway.
The robot was on the road outside the research lab for more than an hour as vehicles tried to manoeuvre their way around it.

[Jakob]

^Made my day. Thanks.

[Yuli Ban]

Hundreds of nuns trained in Kung Fu are biking the Himalayas to oppose human trafficking

Clad in black sweatpants, red jackets and white helmets, the hundreds of cyclists pedaling the treacherously steep, narrow mountain passes to India from Nepal could be mistaken for a Himalayan version of the Tour de France.
The similarity, however, ends there. This journey is longer and tougher, the prize has no financial value or global recognition and the participants are not professional cyclists but Buddhist nuns from India, Nepal, Bhutan and Tibet.
Five hundred nuns from the Buddhist sect known as the Drukpa Order, on Saturday complete a 4,000-km (2,485 mile) bicycle trek from Nepal's Kathmandu to the northern city of Leh in India to raise awareness about human trafficking in the remote region.
"When we were doing relief work in Nepal after the earthquakes last year, we heard how girls from poor families were being sold because their parents could not afford to keep them anymore," 22-year-old nun Jigme Konchok Lhamo told the Thomson Reuters Foundation.
"We wanted to do something to change this attitude that girls are less than boys and that it's okay to sell them," she said, adding that the bicycle trek shows "women have power and strength like men."

[Yuli Ban]

[Yuli Ban]

[Yuli Ban]

I'm A Celebrity 2016: Lisa Snowdon confesses she WANTS to eat a kangaroo anus

The television presenter said that she is intrigued to taste the delicacy and will definitely give it a go if she is faced with an eating challenge.
 
Speaking ahead of her jungle debut, the 44-year-old explained: "The trials from previous years look hideous. But I am also curious to see what the food will be like.
 
"A kangaroos anus is all furry and gross but curiosity has got the better of me! Nothing is going to kill me and so you have to rise to the challenge."
 
The brunette beauty added that she "can't wait" to throw herself into the experience as she thinks she has reached a stage in her life where she wants to try something completely different.

[Yuli Ban]

Glenn Beck Says He Supports Black Lives Matter, Thinks Trump Is 'Unhinged'

Glenn Beck, the former Fox News pundit who once claimed that President Barack Obama has a “deep-seated hatred for white people,” now empathizes with Black Lives Matter and thinks that Donald Trump is “unhinged.”
Beck, who says he met with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, the Republican nominee’s resort in Palm Beach, Florida, tells The New Yorker’s Nicholas Schmidle that Trump directed Beck to one room of the resort and then phoned him from the next room:

“We had this weird, almost Howard Hughes-like conversation,” Beck said. He left convinced that Trump was nuts. “This guy is dangerously unhinged,” he said. “And, for all the things people have said about me over the years, I should be able to spot Dangerously Unhinged.”

Beck, who once compared the 2010 stimulus bill to slavery, now asks conservatives to try to empathize with Black Lives Matter, as The Washington Post’s Dave Weigel reported in August. Beck once held a rally with Sarah Palin at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech. But he told Schmidle that “there are things unique to the African-American experience that [he] cannot relate to” and that he “had to listen to them.” 
Beck once called Hillary Clinton a “stereotypical bitch.” But he praised Michelle Obama’s speech attacking Trump’s treatment of women as “the most effective political speech I have heard since Ronald Reagan.” 
The pundit — who during Obama’s first term in office compared a number of contemporary issues to slavery, including illegal immigration, “progressive policies,” government spending, government debt, “government giveaways” and changes to tax reduction rules, and who warned that Marxists and Communists were planning to take over the country — now believes he was too hard on the president whom he once compared to a “slavemaster.”
“I did a lot of freaking out about Barack Obama,” Beck told Schmidle. But, he added, “Obama made me a better man.”

If you don't know who Glenn Beck is, this might sound innocuous. But trust me: go back 6 years, and this guy was basically a fusion of Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh given a primetime spot on Fox News. He actually made me a conservative for a while, and it was me being forcibly separated by fate from Fox News that corrected me.

[Yuli Ban]

Trump thinks the killing of Harambe could be an inside job

Did Hillary Clinton Kill Harambe?

Donald Trump and fallen gorilla Harambe will forever be linked by playing starring roles in 2016, one of the most crap years in recent memory.
 
But while we thought the killing of Harambe was fairly conclusive – he was shot when a toddler fell into his enclosure at Cincinnati Zoo – Trump appears to have other ideas.
More than five months after the passing of the noble beast, many people have abandoned their quest for answers.
 
Others, like a young woman named Vivian, are still searching – and in a desperate plea, she put a very important question to the possible future president.
 
Could Hillary Clinton be behind the death of Harambe?

[Yuli Ban]

This election is just one big pile 'a ass. And it doesn't matter who wins: Clinton Elected President? Trump Elected President?

 

 

ASS!

[Jakob]

Pooping in deep space has NASA stumped. The ‘Space Poop Challenge’ is your way to help.

[Yuli Ban]

Goddamn, I never knew Canada was composed of such sadists. This officially brings them to roughly about the level of North Korea to me.
 

Canadian police to punish drunk drivers with Nickelback

A Canadian police force is threatening festive drink-drivers with a cruel and unusual punishment: forcing them to listen to local band Nickelback.
Kensington Police Service, which looks after the residents of Prince Edward Island, will be handing out fines and criminal charges as usual.
But it seems it is the possibility of having to listen to Nickelback which has really upset the locals.
"Doesn't torture go against the Geneva Convention?" asked one on Facebook.

You fuckers made me listen to Nickelback just to try to get something to post here, and I couldn't fuckin' do it.

[Jakob]

How Lasers and a Goggle-Wearing Parrot Could Aid Flying Robot Designs

Only in the 21st century.... Priceless.