107 replies to this topic

[caltrek]

Trouble brewing in the land of the Wurfians. The usual controversy has again erupted.  That is of where exactly is the land of the Wurfians located?

 

Some insist it is adjacent to Ebony.  Others maintain that genetic research has established a common lineage with Lilliput. President-Elect Thump has weighed in on the issue saying he does not care where it is located and that all foreigners must leave immediately. Ethnic munchkins took immediate offense at the President-Elect's comments.

 

"How are we supposed to know where to leave from if that from is not identified?" asked one exasperated munchkin labor representative. 

 

In other news concerning President-Elect Thump, rumors abound concerning appointments to his new administration.  The Wicked Witch of the West is said to be flying around on her broomstick advertising here qualifications as Secretary of Defense. The Wizard of Odd has publicly insisted that he is satisfied with his current corporate public relations position and would not accept a Press Secretary appointment.  

 

The head of the Lillipution Chamber of Commerce was not available for comment, indicating that he was all tied down at the moment. Likewise, noted president of the Ewoks sight-seeing club was unavailalbe for comment regarding the position of Secretary of Interior.

 

We regret that caltrek News Service is unable to provide a photograph for this story as our scanner is malfunctioning.

 

 

[tierbook]

So when are you going to stop shit-posting?

[Erowind]

I welcome your posts Caltrek satire is a wonderful thing.

[caltrek]

So when are you going to stop shit-posting?

 

When President-Elect Thump is deposed from power.  It is just a thing I have about all of those poor Wurfians.

 

If you wonder why I am talking to you like this, I think that great icon of Wurfian culture put it best:  "Because when we talked to you like an adult, you didn' t listen."

 

At any rate, thank you for listening now and for bumping my post.

 

P.S  How is the turnip farm doing?

[caltrek]

This just in. Darth Vapor has been named as National Security Adviser. This despite vigorous opposition from the Anti-Ewok Defamation League.

 

Meanwhile, famed conspiracy theorist Jacque Clusoless has discovered that if you play President-Elect Thump's speeches backwards, and then say in public out loud every forth word,  people will look at you in a very strange manner.

[caltrek]

The following story is a parody.   It is loosely based on an actual news story for which a link has been provided. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. 

 

 

 

Wurf (caltrek news) — Steven Munchkin, President-elect Donald Thump's expected choice to be the nation's treasury secretary, has had a long history as a successful financial executive and a shorter but significant period in a job that ushered him into Thump's inner circle: head of Thump's campaign finance operation.

 

When Munchkin, 53, was chosen by Thump as his national finance director in May, he told caltrek news that the two men had been friends for 15 years. Through his work as finance chairman, Munchkin (pronounced munchkin) is close to Thump's children and son-in-law, Jaded Kushner — a top adviser to Thump — and worked with them on fundraising events.

 

 

The campaign raised at least $169 million, in addition to the $66 million that Thump spent out of his own pocket. Though that was far short of what Hilarious Climpton raised, it represented an impressive haul given that Thump didn't begin fundraising in earnest until the end of May.

 

 

A person familiar with Thump's decision said Tuesday that the president-elect will nominate Munchkin to the Treasury position. The person would only discuss the nomination on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to reveal it ahead of the official announcement.

 

 

If approved by the Wurfian Senate, Munchkin would follow in the tradition of two previous treasury secretaries — Robert Rubik in the Climpton administration and Henry Paulbearer in George W. Shrub's. All had vast Wall Street experience gained from years spent working at powerhouse Goldwoman Sacks.

 

 

 

https://www.yahoo.co...382.html?ref=gs

[caltrek]

Wurfian sociologists have noted a sudden increase in the interest of necrophilia.  Some insist that this is related to the recent electoral success of President-Elect Thump.

 

"The establishment is dead," noted one Thump supporter, "so now we can love it."  

[caltrek]

Controversy erupted over President Thump's latest cabinet appointment.  It seems it was made to somebody who had called Thump thinking they were ordering pizza to go. President Thump answered the phone and started chatting with the fellow. A rapport was immediately struck as Thump is known for his love of pizza.  One thing led to another, and the caller was offered a cabinet position.

 

Thump's aide's denied that it had anything to do with the difficulty of finding anybody who would actually be willing to work in the Thump administration.

 

The Senate is in a turmoil as to whether or not it should approve the nomination. One Senator, known to be a Thump supporter, was heard to say "well if the fellow likes pizza, he can't be all bad."

[caltrek]

Union of Wurfian Elves to Sue U.S. Government

 

[caltrek]

 

https://www.cardsfor...christmas-card/

[caltrek]

caltrek news - Famed Wurfian prophet Exactly declared today his opinion that the end times have arrived.  Citing as evidence for his proclamation, Exactly noted the recent election of President Thump. "Need I say more," he declared.

 

Exactly also note the recent accidental encounter between the U.S. air force and Saint Nick. "When such a saintly figure is subject to such indignities, it must be the sign of an end to something" he observed.

 

The labor discord among Wurfian elves was also a point of evidence.  "When a saint is forced to deal with such issues as labor compensation, it cannot be considered a good day for the Wurfs." 

 

"Clearly, an anti-establishment revolution is on the horizon. One in which Wurfians everywhere will throw off the shackles of the past and demand a new order. Such a development can only result in a cataclysmic fight between good and evil, one that was predicted in in the Book of Wurf." 

 

Exactly denied that his proclamation had anything to do with promoting sales of his new book The Thoughts of Chairman Exactly.

[caltrek]

caltrek news - President Thump today declared that the sun will rise tomorrow and that it was he that has made sure that this will happen.

 

Rumors had been rapidly spread by followers of the prophet Exactly that the sun was not in fact going to rise.

 

"When I heard of this prophesy, I immediately set our best Wurfian scientists to work on this problem.  They now assure me that the sun will in fact rise," declared President Thump.

 

The prophet Exactly could not be located for a response to President Thump's statement.  Rumor has it that he has taken the funds he raised in his The Apocalypse is Coming Campaign and is using them for a vacation in the Bahamas.  

 

 

Sunrise

[caltrek]

Einstein's Theory of Relativity Explains How Santa Can Fit in Chimneys, Deliver Gifts Without a Trace

 

http://www.naturewor...fts-without.htm

 

 

Researchers at the University of Exeter have revealed a scientific explanation on how the infamous Santa Claus move from chimney to chimney without being spotted or heard by expecting children.

 

Their findings, presented at Science of Christmas Festival, showed that the Albert Einstein's theory of relativity could easily explain how Santa Claus could deliver gifts to more than 700 million children in one night without being seen or heard.

 

"Visiting around 700 million children in 31 hours would mean he would have to travel at 10 million kilometers an hour if he is to deliver presents to every child," said Dr. Katy Sheen, a physicist in the Geography department at the University of Exeter, in a press release. "How does Santa manage to reach these phenomenal speeds? Well that's magic! However, he would certainly need a lot of fuel - so don't forget his glass of sherry, a mince pie or two and some carrots for the reindeer!"

 

According to Dr. Sheen's calculations, Rudolph and the gang need carry Santa around at about 10 million kilometers per hour in order to deliver the presents to more than 700 million children in 31 hours, considering world time zones. Santa is often featured as an old man with a huge white beard and large stature. However, due to the high speed of his travel, Santa could actually shrink, or get thinner, making it possible for Santa to fit into chimneys.Theory of relativity could also explain why the children expecting Santa Claus at night rarely catch a glimpse of the fat man. The researchers noted that the ability of Santa to be undetectable is due to the so-called Doppler Effect. Traveling at more than 200,000 times faster than the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, the Doppler Effect would change Santa's color, turning him from red to green until he finally disappears at greater speed. The high traveling speed of Santa would also silence his approach and departure.

 

[caltrek]

Rudolph the red nose reindeer

Loves his spies I suppose

And if you ever saw them

You would probably come to blows

 

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

They would never let poor Rudolph

Play in any reindeer games

 

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Obama came to say

Rudolph with your spies so bright

Won’t you guide my state tonight

 

All of the other reindeer

Shouted out their laughs with glee

They knew that old Rudolph

Would solve the mystery

 

How could all those Russian hacks

Do so much behind our backs?

Don’t they all realize

How much we really don’t like spies?

[caltrek]

SNL: Putin Pops Down Chimney 

 

http://www.newser.com/story/235622/snl-putin-pops-down-chimney-hillary-actually.html

 

 

 

(NEWSER) – The holiday season descended soundly upon Saturday Night Live, with Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump getting a surprise visitor down the chimney while Kate McKinnon's Hillary Clinton reappeared to make a Love, Actually-inspired cue-card plea to an unrequited love—a member of the Electoral College. After hearing a sound in the chimney, Baldwin asks, "What's that sound? ... Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that." Out pops a shirtless Beck Bennett as Vladimir Putin, bearing gifts in the form of an Elf on the Shelf with a surveillance camera, reports Rolling Stone. When Trump laments his lack of a gift for Putin, the Russian responds, "Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift." McKinnon returned as Kellyanne Conway in the sketch, before her turn as Clinton. As for the president-elect himself, his Twitter account has so far remained silent on the episode.

[caltrek]

Well, President Thumps latest cabinet pick just has the Land of Wurf in an uproar. One could almost here the groans across this ill defined nation when an administration spokesperson announce that The Grinch had been nominated for Secretary of Commerce.

 

"There goes Christmas,"  replied one administration critic.

 

The leader of the not-so-loyal opposition in the Senate exclaimed "Doesn't President Thump realize that it has bee a life long ambition of The Grinch to steal Christmas?  Being Secretary of Commerce will put him in the perfect position to carry out his plans."

 

The elves immediately threatened to go on strike and had to be reminded that they already were on strike. The Ewoks doubled their efforts to build fortifications and booby traps.  The Munchkins seemed relatively unaware of the Grinch's past.   As usual, the Liliputiens were being tight lipped about the whole matter. Rumors were flying that certain lepricons were forming an underground terrorist organization entitled the Irritated Republican Army.  The natives are definitely restless.

 

President Thump tweeted his full confidence in The Grinch, writing his belief that Christmas was overrated anyway. "Only losers look forward to Christmas,: he wrote.

 

"Clearly, it is just a matter of more sour grapes on the part of the losers," he concluded.

[caltrek]

[caltrek]

All is not well this New Year in the Land of the Wurfs.  New Year's Eve celebrations turned ugly when it was realized that Gremlins had infiltrated the fire works display.  Instead of flying into the air and exploding in glorious splendor safely overhead, the rockets struck the hovels of many poor Wurfians. Although no injuries were reported, many homes were burnt to the ground.

 

The disaster strengthened the determination of President Thump to crack down upon the Gremlins.  

 

"I don't care if no other country on the planet wants them, we cannot allow the Gremlins to work their evil ways here in the Land of the Wurfs," tweeted Thump.

 

There followed the usual objections from the not-so-loyal opposition concerning the lack of clearly defined boundaries for Wurf.  The Elves once again threatened to go on strike and once again had to be be reminded that they already were on strike.  Munchkin leaders argued that boundary issues were irrelevant, as prospective emigrants could simply be told to follow the yellow brick road out of Wurf.  The Wizard of Odd objected that this would result in too many lost vagrants showing up at his palatial estate seeking emigration assistance.

 

Meanwhile, the Department of Offense indicated that they would continue to work to procure the new R2D2 units from International Robotics, Inc. The hope being that these units would once and for all provide adequate protection against the Gremlins.  Rumor has it that these R2D2 units will also be used to stifle the shenanigans of the Irritated Republican Army.

 

The carpenters union, consisting mostly of elves, offered to lend their help in reconstruction efforts. International Robotics, Inc. also acted to quickly deploy their new home building robots.  The Wurf Amalgamated Bank (WAB), Inc. offered loans for homeowners to pay for the costs of reconstruction.  "The loans will be made at a generous annual percentage rate interest of 25%" announced the operational president of the bank. 

 

The United Nations offered to send disaster assistance, but President Thump insisted that the Land of the Wurfs could handle the disaster through their own resources, citing the new WAB loan program as an outstanding example of such capability.

 

"Next year's fire works display will go much better," tweeted President Thump.

[caltrek]

So what if Putin next annexes

Some country that’s the size of Texas
Or throws some Russians in the clink
For what they write or say or think?
No strong objections will be lodged
If Donald’s ego gets massaged.

 

Calvin Trillin in The Nation

 

https://www.thenatio...sian-relations/

[caltrek]

The United States Constitution will be modified to include the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, according to a policy document leaked from the Thump administration.

 

Thump is also believed to be contemplating changing his title to ‘Grand Nagus’ of Wurf, has a personal motto of “A Wurf is only worth the sum of his possessions”, which is his favourite of the rules.

 

Others of his favourite rules include ‘war is good for business’ and ‘Employees are rungs on the ladder of success – don’t hesitate to step on them’.

Many supporters of Thump already appear to be using at least the first three of the five stages of acquisition – infatuation, obsession, justification, appropriation and resale – to explain backing their candidate.

 

Speaking from the plush Ferenginar Casino on the Las Vegas Strip, a spokesman for Thump confirmed that all 285 of the rules would be added to the Constitution as amendments.

 

“The first two amendments will be ‘Females and finances don’t mix’ and ‘It never hurts to suck up to the boss’.

“President Thump was very clear about that for some reason.”

 

 

Adapted from:

 

http://newsthump.com...of-acquisition/

 

(I honestly did not know that there was something called News Thump when I started this thread.)