Sources within the CIA today confirmed that Russia, not greed or money, is the root of all evil.
"We can't actually show you any evidence," said one trustworthy intelligence operative to the equally trustworthy liberal media, as it has demonstrated over the past months throughout the election cycle. "But you can absolutely trust us. We only have the best interests of America at heart. I masturbate crying into an American flag every night, and I am telling you: everything that's wrong in the world is Russia's fault."
Anonymous sources then went on to insist the FBI, Elvis Presley and Satan were all collaborating with Putin to destroy freedom and happiness everywhere for all people. Russia is known to be the nexus of horror in our otherwise peaceful and well-run world, and the denizens of this icy hell are known to venerate their dark gods by sacrificing small children to superbears genetically engineered by the KGB. The Kremlin is also believed to be responsible for stealing what would otherwise be fair US elections, as well as every sock that goes missing from your laundry.
A gentle old lady once travelled to Moscow to bring the much sought-after secrets of US peace and democracy to its people. They lowered her feet-first into a meat grinder and distilled her body into vodka. All cultures are of course equal, but there is little question among experts that Russia needs to be reduced to a radioactive wasteland. Glass. Parking. Lot.
Readers are kindly advised not to forget that the Two-Minute Hate begins at 9:30am this morning, assault weapons and live ammunition will be on sale with which to shoot effigies of Putin. Free entry for kids under 12. Remember that rioting is patriotic as long as you do it for Hillary.