2018 was one of the most rewarding and painful years of my life thus far. I expect 2019 to be less interesting, slightly depressing, but overall happier than almost any year prior to 2018.
I'm struggling with not having enough money for school right now. And not knowing how to really interact with the world as a result. I Would rather die than work for these businesses I hate, doubt it will come to that though. (I'd sooner move to a commune or freelance.) I'm holding out for another bull market in cryptocurrency which will likely happen at some point in the next 3-7 years. But I don't want to be the 27 year old freshmen either. I should have sold a fraction of my holdings on the way down last year. My eyes were too set on financial independence without realizing how frustrating not being able to continue my life goals would be. I'm still up significantly even in this market panic, but not up enough to pay 40K yearly tuition anymore.
Outside of financial struggles I'm very frustrated with relationship prospects right now. It's not that I expect anyone to date me as if I'm entitled to their bodies like an incel would claim. It's more that I'm upset with the lack of bandwidth between me and other people that provide the opportunity for me and potential partners to mutually want to date. I felt chemistry with five people this past year. One of them I was in a short relationship with, which ended due to them breaking up with their primary partner and needing space. Polyamory is complicated, it's fine, we're still friends and I probably needed some space too. Point is, the other four people were so fleeting.
It's like we were ships passing in the night, unable for one reason or another to be able to spend more than an hour or two with each other once every few weeks at most. As a result I was unable to form a real bond. I take things very slow when it comes to potential partners. The pool of potential partners is so small because my peer groups are largely grad students and people out of college. The kids at community college are more trouble than they're worth. Most of them are struggling in life one way or another--and aren't really ready for relationships--and I don't have the capacity to be a rock for anyone right now, nor desire to be, so I'm left stranded, alone. What I need are mutually emotionally supportive but casual short-to-medium term relationships. One day in the future I can start thinking about long term ones. I can offer a lot of emotional support to people, but I can't be their total solution in life, only a part of it. They need to have some personal ambition outside of their partner too.
This mentality that prince charming is coming to save folks needs to die. It's an immediate turnoff. Relationships are far too dynamic to claim that one can simply declare they'll know they'll still be in love 50 years later. That's not to say people shouldn't mutually grow together, support each other and try their absolute best to make things work as much as possible. That's not to say that the first signs of conflict, or even some sustained conflict should end a relationship. It's just a realistically morbid recognition that no one can speak for themselves on such a timeframe--that permanent marriage as a concept is dangerous and often causes great pain. More importantly when someone tells me their sole goal in life is to meet their soulmate and live happily ever after it's a sign that they don't really understand relationships, nor have put much thought into them outside of what puritan rooted American culture has imposed on them. (I'm not saying I completely understand them either, but claiming marriage is the total answer is equivalent to saying one does understand how they should ideally work in all circumstance.)
Moreover this mentality leads to other toxic behaviors. Take two men who love the same girl. Then say the girl actually loves them both too. This culture, holding monogamy as sacred and rooting the practice in scripture decries this as blasphemy. Through the trickle down of culture it teaches both of those men--compounded by other toxic masculine behaviors--that they should want to fucking kill each other over her. It's absurd. Now, I'm not saying everything is going to be super easy. But doesn't this seem like a beautiful opportunity that's being thrown away? The two men in question share something very special in common, that they would never share with anyone else. They both think this girl is the coolest person on the planet. From my perspective they should be able to bond over that in a very unique way. But no, let's just give them swords and watch.
I'm in this weird limbo land where I'm not quite an adult and I'm not quite an adolescent either. I'd feel weird dating most people from community college my age because my maturity level is leaps and bounds beyond their own. For the same reasons I'd feel weird dating a lot of grad students and older folks because their maturity level is leaps and bounds above my own.
In any case though. Last year was really good overall. I'm not as depressed as I once was, although that can always change. I've finally gained the confidence to apply to schools, and am working on my activist and artistic projects more than I ever have in the past. I've also made many wonderful new friends, and lost a group of old problematic ones.
My sleep also never recovered from cramming for classes a few semesters back. I've been a night owl ever since having to wake up at 6am for a chemistry class at 7am and taking a physics class that lasted until 10pm. I got less than 4 hours of sleep for months because I need at least an hour to wind down before bed at home. Those were the only options. My school is so filled with administrative bloat (funded by taxes) that the only physics class was at night and the only chem class in the morning. I also took two math classes that semester. It's as if some colleges are designed to kill you.
Next year probably won't be that turbulent in comparison. I came out of the closet in 2018 and completely restructured most of my platonic relationships. This was very painful but very rewarding. This coming year I'll be dedicating all my energy to art, philosophy, investing, activism, friendship and maybe freelancing. Hopefully come 2020 or 2021 I'll have some answers as to what I need to do with myself.